Sunday, April 28, 2013

Dear Son, You Know How I Know You're Almost Four?

10. You make people and consequences disappear when you cover your face or close your eyes (also known as the Ostrich Effect). Just because you can't see me, doesn't mean that my evil Dad glare isn't honed in on you. Also, when you are embarassed or feeling shy, walking behind me and placing your face between my cheeks is less than enjoyable for me and potentially dangerous for you. Jus'sayin.

9. Helping out usually consists of doing things that are the opposite of helpful. Like when you take off your shoes and dump all of the sand out on the floor instead of outside. Contrary to popular belief, this does not make your dad happy.

8. You just realized that money grows on trees, and apparently Mom and I are redwoods.*

(*yup, I am now saying the same crap my parents said to me. To be released this summer: "No, I will not open the windows. I'm not paying to air condition the world", "What? You writing a book? What's with the all the questions?" and "Do you have a plane to catch? Sit down and relax.")

7. You make the most annoying sounds in the world and are never more confused than when I tell you just that, as if there is a key to the joys in the universe and only you get it. This concept will probably be in the forefront for the next eighteen years. I suppose I should just get used to it.

6. It's always an accident when you do it, but it's never an accident when it happens to you.

5. Going to a baseball game means eating ice cream and playing on the playground, not watching baseball. I am thankful for minor league ballgame prices.

4. "When are we going to be there?" is a legitimate question as soon as you get in the car and then every 3-5 miles afterwards. Yet another reason that all cars should have the option of a limo window or the Jetsons' bubble pods, can someone make that happen...soon?

3. Pulling your brothers diaper out to look for poop is a fun activity and not at all weird. I guess I should be happy you haven't stuck your finger in there yet...or have you?  

2. Having to eat your vegetables in order to enjoy dessert is an absolutely ridiculous notion. Equally ridiculous: washing your hands, brushing your teeth and not wiping your ass with you bare hand.

1. The biggest injustices of the world include such things as: I had that toy first, I wanted to wear my superhero shirt so why isn't it clean, the boy in school roars back at me when I roar at him, I don't want to take Dad's car I want to ride in Mom's car, the dog (a 60lb Golden Retriever) knocked me down when I pulled his tail and you weren't supposed to win the race because I'm super fast. The world is an awful place. Your life must be rough.

You know, buddy, Grams always tells me how she never thought I would make it to see my fifth birthday. Somehow I did. You'll be four in a month. As for five, well, let's just see how four goes.

Love you,


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