Ain't No Party Like A By Yourself Party

I just returned from my SAHDcation (what I like to call my solo vacations) this year, all of which was spent in Asheville, North Carolina going on runs, walking around the city, enjoying the great breweries, sitting by the French Broad River reading, driving the Blue Ridge Parkway, eating amazing meals and generally getting lost in thought and sometimes the lack of. I went alone, no friends, just me. And sure it was lonely for the first 24 hours. The little voices and screams that I come to be irritated by so quickly, I almost longed to hear. And the Mrs, who is always asleep before I go to bed, was not next to me when I woke up. But I got busy, even if "busy" was doing nothing more than enjoying a delicious brew in the sun and reading a book. The batteries were set to charge.

When I got home, I was happy, I was relaxed and I was ready to be "Dadda" again. But while on my trip, a few of my stay at home Dad friends were texting me to ask me how I pulled it off. Specifically, how I got the Mrs on board with such a thing. That's when I realized that maybe I have it even better than I thought and that maybe I can help shed some light on why some extended time to oneself is priceless and necessary.

When I left my last job in sales to be a stay-at-home Dad, my boss told me that while he thought what I was doing was stupid and that he'd be surprised if I lasted a year, that I must make sure to take time to myself. To get away from the family and just have time to and for me, be it with friends or solo. That just 4-5 days away could be the difference between straight-jacket-cushion-walled-room insane and triple-bond-in-your-underwear happy, not just as a Dad but as a husband too. He couldn't have been more right. We tend get caught up in the things we feel we have to do, or should do, far too much and we forget about the things we want to do. We plan family vacations and weekend trips to spend together. We have to have babysitters, back up babysitters and backups for our backups, just to get a date night out with our spouses. There is always an itinerary: a go time, a nap time, a bed time, a lunch time and a snack time, and that can be taxing. I feel that I get to a point in the year when I start becoming a less effective parent, that I give in or blow up more easily, and I know then that it's time to get away.

I took my first SAHDcation two months before the Taz was born. The Mrs was not pleased with me, not even a little bit. She was fairly busy at work, feeling very pregnant and I was about to leave for four  and a half days to NY to see friends, drink and eat like a king while she had to juggle everything at home. Now, before you start calling me an asshole. I did do a ton of proactive work to ensure that back up day care was secured for three days, sitters were notified that we may need them and were more or less ready to help if called, pet sitters were hired to take care of our animals and I left the fridge fully stocked with anything the Mrs could need so she did not have to resort to her specialty, cheesy toast (melted cheese on toast, in case you were curious). But when I say she wasn't happy with me, I mean we fought about it. Her argument was that I should wait until she was on maternity leave in two months, but I was certain that she would need me more than ever at that point, with a two year old and a newborn. When she said goodbye to me the morning that I left, it was not a happy one. I don't think we even kissed.


Aside from the icey send off, the trip was great. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. It was great to have adult conversations with all adults and no interruptions besides waiters asking how the food was (delicious) and if we needed another round (I am feeling parched, so yes, by all means). While I love the guys in my Stay At Home Dad groups, we naturally talk a lot about our kids. And while this can be therapeutic, sometimes it's just nice to talk about something else. Above that, there were no nap schedules to follow, diapers to change, baths to be given or bed times to be fought over. It was wonderful. Of course, I stayed in touch with the Mrs and the Little Man by calling every night to say hello and to see how all was going.

And as it so happened, the Mrs' work schedule relaxed over these days as well, by pure luck, but nevertheless her work schedule was not as hectic as she originally thought it would be. She was able to enjoy the weekend with the Little Man and no extra help besides the pet sitters were needed. I remember when she picked me up from the airport she immediately mentionned how happy and relaxed I seemed. And I was relaxed. I was happy. But more importantly, I was ready to get back to being "Dadda."

I became a stay at home dad almost three and a half years ago. It's one of the best decisions we have made as a family. Sure, it has had some ups and downs and still does. Sure, the Mrs and I have had spats over whether it was the right decision as I would be melting down from the sometimes seemingly never ending solo hours with the boys when she is working 80+ hours/week (and weekend) for five weeks on end. But at the end of it, I do love my time with the Little Man and Taz. Though just like any job (and yes, being a stay at home is most certainly a job), you get tired and need a reboot. As a stay at home, we wake up at work and go to sleep at work. When we go on family vacations, we are in essence, at work while our spouses are getting away from their jobs. Just as our working spouses need to get away from their bosses, coworkers and daily grind sometimes, so do I. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just laying it out there.

Some parents I have spoken to about this say that being a parent means giving up yourself and your interests until your kids are old enough to take care of themselves. I'm sorry, but that's a load of bullshit. Sure, you have to put some things on hold. You can't stay out until all hours of the night anymore. And you have to watch your mouth (luckily my kids can't read yet). But parenting isn't about what of yours that you must sacrifice, it's about how you balance everything; and the time away is like hitting the tare button on the scale.

Solo vacations are not just for stay at homes. Working parents need it just as much. I often encourage the Mrs to get away from it all and do something with her friends. She hasn't yet, but I am hopeful that she will soon; she deserves it. And so do you other working parents and stay at homes. So find the time, pick the place and just go. If you get back and don't feel new again, I'll eat your road map (paper maps only, please...Garmins make me constipated).

   

This Is 40 and The Beauty of Bad Reviews

There is nothing better than going into a movie (or maybe anything for that matter) with low to no expectations.  Worst case scenario:  you walk in knowing what you're getting out of it, not much more than a popcorn butter stain on your shirt and two hours of your life you can never get back.  Best case scenario:  you walk in thinking it's going to be a stinkfest, and walk out enjoying (or even better yet, loving) the film, and yes, you still get to have the popcorn butter stains.  Judd Apatow's new film, This Is 40 does just that as we follow Pete (Paul Rudd) and Debbie (Leslie Mann) just a few years removed from their shenanigans in Knocked Up 

All of the reviews I read for This Is 40 were simply awful.  One in particular was terrible, almost vengeful.  Granted it's not from the New York Times or Roger Ebert, though their reviews weren't glowing either, but Gawker writer Rich Juzwiak blasted it for not only being bad, not being funny, being too long but also for making marriage look abysmal, stating:

"Why are we watching them? So that we can then see a sad-music montage of each sad member of the family alone and staring at things sadly? Because that's what we get."   

Actually, that's not what we get.  

Mr. Juzwiak must have walked out to take a piss and walked back into Les Miserables.  Hugh Jackson vs. Paul Rudd, near bald Anne Hathaway vs. Leslie Mann, depressing period drama vs. modern comedy, tomato vs tom-ah-to...an understandable mistake anyone could have made.   

However, the beauty of bad movie reviews (lemons, prepare to become a delicious drink) is that they sap our expectations, yet we often go against their recommendations.  Not like bad restaurant reviews, where you are more apt to follow the advice of the columnist.  Who wants to go to a restaurant if the review is something like this:  "The host was awful.  The server didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.  The food made me want to abstain from eating for the rest of my life.  And what the hell is donkey sauce?".  Unless you know the chef or are familiar with a restaurateur's track record, why go eat potentially awful food when there is so much good food?  Why take that chance?  But movies are different.  

The boys were in backup daycare, I had just left the dentist and I didn't feel like doing laundry, dishes or cleaning the house.  That, and I have a minor man crush on Paul Rudd.  How can you blame me? when he single handedly made watching Christmas commercials enjoyable.

Beyond employing his own wife and kids in his films, Judd Apatow has also done a great job of writing and directing easily relatable movies and he continues that stretch here with This Is 40.  At its heart, This Is 40 is a romcom (romantic comedy, for you unitiated or non-whipped).  We are thrown right back into the tit-for-tat, backhandedness, yet loving relationship of Pete and Debbie that we fell in love with in Knocked Up.  We catch them in some great moments such as when Pete tells Debbie during some birthday morning shower sex that he had popped a viagra to step up his game, but Debbie finds it disheartening to which she says:  "I don't want a turbo penis. I like your medium soft one".  While Pete's response is that:  "My hard-ons are still in analog.  Viagra makes it digital".  And I'm not giving away the only funny bits.  There are a bunch of great scenes/great lines between Rudd and Mann, who have such great on-screen chemistry, and that's part of what I am buying into.  They have fights over mundane shit (so do me and the Mrs).  They have even bigger fights over the tough stuff (so do me and the Mrs).  How can you not root for these people?  If you are married and have kids, you know what they are going through.       

At the same time, we see them trying to raise their kids and carefully navigate the troubles of sibling rivalry as well as teenage angst.  Towards the latter, Sadie, the older daughter, is in her early teens and dealing with understanding/fighting her parents (while appearing to be a firecracker like Debbie) and being too cool for her younger sister, Charlotte.  Charlotte is adorably naive, lighthearted and funny (clearly taking on more of Pete's traits).  After watching the last episode of Lost with Sadie and Debbie's father, she casually says:  "I'm going to have some freaky ass nightmares".  And to all of you Lost fans, you know she is right. 

On top of that, the supporting cast is great, minus Megan Fox and her frightening midget thumbs.  I'm sorry but those things are awful, and I have a bunion on my foot so I am familiar with disfigured appendages.  Pete's album promotor, Ronnie (played by Chris O'Dowd) coupled with Debbie's trainer, Jason (played by Jason Segel) are brilliant together, yet seldom used in the film.  Pete's dad in the film (played by Albert Brooks), is chummy and abrasive at the same time while Oliver, Debbie's father (played by John Lithgow) almost seems to be be one of the few forced characters.  Though the real gem, expectedly, is Catherine, one of Sadie's schoolmate's mom (played by Melissa McCarthy) who is forced to meet with the school principal, Pete and Debbie over an altercation between Debbie and her son.  The scene is pure magic (and stick around for the credits as you'll get the scene unedited, which was hard to believe, but hysterical to watch).

At the end of the day, Pete and Debbie get it figured out (SPOILER ALERT).  So there is a happy ending, because in the end marriage and kids screws with your head.  You are forced to lose the "me" in all of the "us".  You sometimes try to hide things in order to make things seem better, in the hopes that they will.  Your spouse should be the yin to your yang, and as much as that will bring balance it will also bring headaches.  You try to be the best parent you can be, and you're going to have your off days (lots of them).  You try to take care of your parents and mend what gaps may be there, because we only get one set of parents.  Sometimes you laugh so hard it hurts and sometimes you simply lose control and go ape shit.  

I don't know about you, but I love to watch movies where I feel I could more or less squeeze right into a scene and pick up on cue because I am living it or have lived it (clearly not because I am in any way an actor).  I love shows like Up All Night (though the new season sucks), because it makes me feel less crazy.  Maybe that's true or maybe that's the magic of Hollywood.  Either way, I'm all in.  I'm not 40 yet, I'm 34.  But I can only hope to be like this when the Mrs and I are 40, because it's in the stupid, personal, sometimes morbidly comedic instances like this that you re-realize why you do all the crap you do and why you put up with all of the bullshit, because this is the good life:

                      

As for Mr Juzwiak's (how the hell do you pronounce that?) review, while completely off the mark, also comes off as someone who is terrified on some level of the death of cool (also known as becoming a parent and surviving, yes, surviving a life long marriage).  But for his awful review, I have to say thank you.  Though I probably would have seen it eventually anyway, I would have likely walked in with higher expectations.  Since Mr Juzwiak hacked my presumptions about this, I came in looking to kill a couple of hours and walked out having enjoyed my time and eating a whole box of pretzel M&M's.  Not a bad afternoon.   

*photo credit: http://www.play4movie.com/en/Wallpaper/This-Is-40-Wallpaper-739