You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Tears And Diapers

...What an amazing trip!  There were plenty of people who said we were nuts for doing it, but no doubt about it, this was one of our better decisions.  Sure the kids will not likely remember any of it, but that doesn't mean they didn't do it.  Trust me, they were there for every missed turn and every mile marker passed, I have the pictures to prove it.  The modern day Griswold family trip without the deceased great-aunt riding on the roof, the fortuitous Octoberfest boob shot or any mishaps from Cousin Eddie's metal skull plate.  From California to North Carolina, we saw it all from the comfort of the wagon.  We are talking about none other than the legend-...wait for it....-dary cross country drive! *sound the royal trumpets and cue jealous sighs from men and dad's everywhere*

Yeah, well...anyway, none of that is happening now.  Oh, we're still moving to North Carolina, we just won't have the epic drive across this great land of ours.  There will be no stops to experience the Grand Canyon, stand on the four corners, lap up the delicious barbecue of Kansas City, ride up through the arch in St Louis, see the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, saunter on the Bourbon Trail, go exploring through the Appalachians in Asheville and let's not forget taking dopey pictures in front of every state sign during the crossing or coming up with asinine ways to entertain the boys.

Some people are telling me that it's better this way, that the drive would have been a nightmare with a 3 year old, 11 month old, a wife and a cat.  The same people who politely smiled and said the trip would be fun are now unabashedly telling me that I was crazy to even think about doing it and how lucky I am now that it is not to be.  Part of me agrees.  Part of me says piss off.

Sure, the kids would have been run a bit ragged getting across the country, but we had two weeks planned out where we weren't going to have to travel for more than 6 hours per day.  We were even going to be able to spend two nights in some locations.  We had figured out a relatively family friendly route as well as still being able to hit some of the things we (the Mrs and I) wanted to see.  We're talking about an amazing bonding experience here, perhaps a once in a lifetime family adventure.

Eventually the kids will get older and while I am sure we'll take trips, they won't be cross-country.  I suppose we could do it later in life when the boys are much older, but then you run into the same issue as the great Clark Griswold did which is dealing with snotty, selfish, and myopic teenagers (yep, I have high hopes for my kids).  As much as I am looking forward to the days when we can do more things, I love the fact that the boys are relatively easy to distract impress.

I had so many visions of how the trip would have gone, mostly all seen through rose colored glasses.  I knew there would be issues, but as usual I pretend those possibilities don't exist.  Some people call that unrealistic, I call it being positive with a dash of delusion.

I was looking forward to the boys and I sharing views of the Grand Canyon together for the first time (as I have never been) or going up into the Arch in St. Louis for the first time.  I was looking forward to getting the opportunity to take pictures along the way in places the boys will never remember, but that I will never forget.  And what trip across the country doesn't involve eating things you aren't used to or have heard of and never been able to get to?  Sure, there are the fast food joints...but what about the local spots just down the road from that crap?  It was going to be an adventure.

Alas, there will be no road trip.  No songs sung or games played while we cross the next state line.  No weird illness to pick up from that random cafe in Mississippi.  No left arm tan for me and no right arm tan for the Mrs.  No special feeling as we crossed the state line into North Carolina and eventually into our new driveway, knowing that we left the only home the boys have known just to get back home where the boys will grow up.  And no two weeks of just us, stuck together in the Subaru for the long haul.

Nope, none of that is happening.  We are all taking planes, cars are being shipped and travel time is minimal.  We won't pull into the driveway together.  We won't walk into the house for the first time together.

The Mrs. leaves in a week and a half to go and start her new job.  The boys and I will leave a week and a half later to go see my mom in South Carolina before heading up the following week to move into our new home.  So the boys and I will be away from the Mrs for just barely under three weeks.

Some folks have told me that this is better, that it is easier.  Maybe I am a dumb schlub, but I disagree completely.  A memorable experience (good, bad or different) will be missed.  The road less traveled can be horrible and amazing all at the same time.  Some of my worst adventures have been some of my fondest memories, and I'm a little sad that I can't add this to the list.  What can I say? sometimes I am a sappy fuck, maybe I watch too much HGTV.  



  

Snow, Glorious Snow.

Living in San Diego has its advantages, and its disadvantages too.  For the most part there is nothing to complain about, though I do find a way to squeeze my gripes from time to time.  However, one of the things I love about living here (especially for the boys) is the diversity in weather conditions from place to place.  During a winter rainstorm, the local mountains (only an hour drive from the house) often receive snow as they are about 4000' elevation.  And if you know me, which you may or may not, then you may or may not know that I LOVE the snow.  More than that, I love the cold weather.  Which begs the question, why in the hell do you live in San Diego?  Long story...well not really...either way it's inconsequential and boring.  I live here, that's all.

Now the Mrs confuses my love of cold weather and snow for liking to be cold.  No one likes to be cold no more than they like to be hot.  What I like about the cold is if you do heat up, the weather offers you the ability to cool down quickly.  As where in the heat if you are too hot, there is nothing natural about the weather that will cool you down - you just continue to sweat and I sweat a lot, as in buckets even in cooler weather (genetics sometimes suck).

Alas, though we do get snow near San Diego, it never falls in San Diego, so no parking lot donuts for this guy.  So with a recent weekend downpour of rain, the local mountains in Cleveland National Forest got a solid dump of 2' of fresh powder.  Though the Mrs was not terribly happy about bringing the Little Guy along or even if the Big Guy would fair well, I was insistent that as my kids (and frankly kids in general) that they would find the snow to be utterly amazing.

So off we went.  After setting up a sledding playdate, we headed out of the house.  But to go sledding you need at least one very important item...a sled.  The other thing about moving to San Diego was that we got rid of just about everything Wintery in our wardrobes and otherwise (minus my snowboard et al.).  We don't have ice scrapers or wool sweaters, and we also didn't have sleds.  I made a last minute call to the local sporting goods store and thankfully they had an assortment.  We rushed over and bought two sleds (a long sled for all of us and a classic disc sled.  Note:  they don't make sleds like they used to.  I wanted the simple bucket toboggan styled sled and the best I could do was a nerf-like substance covered sled with a hard plastic bottom to the tune of $40.  Even the disc was $15.  Insanity, but now we have sleds...I digress).

The Big Guy hasn't seen snow in two years.  And as he is only 2 1/2, he surely doesn't remember the last time he was in it.  One thing he took to just as quickly as he did two years ago was eating the snow.  As soon as we pulled up to the default sledding hill and he got out of the car, he picked up some snow and shoved it in his mouth.  However, as I had not yet educated him on what to eat and what not to eat when in winter wonderlands, when he showed me what he was eating I realized that he had grabbed a piece of gravel filled ice from under the tire.  Lovely.

The Big Guy showing me Dad approved eating snow.

After a quick lesson on safe snow eating habits I got him all suited up, got the Little Guy Ergo'd in and we trudged into the snow.  After a few missteps, the Big Guy fell down and I guess he figured if he was already down there he might as well sample the goods.  About three handfuls of snow later, he was ready to continue on our trek.  He was amazed by the snowmen, that until now he had only heard about in the books we read to him.

After we caught up with some friends, I thought sledding would be in order.  The Big Guy had no desire at all.  I was flabbergasted.  How could you not want to go sledding?  Here we are, up in the mountains and there are tons of other kids and families sledding - does peer pressure mean nothing to you?  Apparently not, as he preferred (you guessed it) to sit and eat more snow.

The Big Guy about to take a tumble.

On about mouthful #10 here; hydration is important.

Thanks to Betadad for getting the rare picture of me and the boys (the Little Guy is Ergo'd)

After a few rides with the Little Guy, and one ride where I managed to completely snow in my camera (not one of my brighter moments) and have an internal panic attack until I cleaned it all out, the Big Guy suddenly had some desire to take a ride...just not with me.  Apparently he liked the idea of riding with his friends and their dad more...thanks buddy.  But he finally had a great time and wanted to go again and again and again.

Dad got shook for the cool Dad, sled and the twins...

...I can't blame him though, it does look like fun.

The whole experience made me realize that next winter could be our first family ski vacation, and for that I am ecstatic.  I love going to the mountains.  It is often akin to a religious experience for me (and I'm agnostic, so I don't really have those).  So the chance to share that with my family is very exciting.  I hope that they take to it like flys to sh...maybe that's not the best analogy here...like fish to water (much better).  If I can just get the boys on board with cold weather and snow, maybe we can turn the Mrs, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Bunch'o'Goofballs

Will the torment ever cease?

...Apparently not.

Family Vacations: Part 2: Too Much Fun Makes the Kids Throw Up

Congratulations!  You survived the trip to your destination with all of your limbs, your kids limbs and your marriage still intact.  Maybe you even got yourself a well-deserved good night sleep, but if not, no matter because today is a rally day - and rally we shall.  Like when you (or maybe this was just me) were back in college and spent all afternoon and all night drinking, eating jumbo slices of pizza the size of a yield sign or three cups of ramen and a box of Kraft mac'n'cheese at 3 A.M.  Passed out at 5 A.M. only to wake up at 10 A.M., finish the last slice of pizza and head out around noon to do it all over again.  The selfless, take-one-for-the-team, 'Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, nobody's gonna slow me down oh no, I've got to keep on moving'* kind of rally.

While you're on vacation and probably eager to get out and do whatever it is you have come to do, you can't skimp on breakfast.  It probably will be the best your kids, and consequentially you, eat all day.  .  Besides, you likely serve breakfast to your kids at home and I for one am a stickler for routine with my kids, without it I notice wildness creeping into them - no es bueno.  If you're like my family, we like to enjoy a little room service on the first day.  I'm not sure what it is about room service, because the food is often not that good - especially breakfast.  But a fresh fruit bowl, some oatmeal, a waffle and some coffee for Mrs. Griswold Wanna-Be (I seem to be the odd man out everywhere as I can't stand coffee, never have - at most I'll have some tea - and I think this comes from always smelling my father's breath as a kid and being overwhelmed by the eight cups of southwestern Connecticut's best worst coffee).  Now you are ready to tackle the day, or at least hang tight until lunch.

Our most recent trip was to Disneyland, and like any theme park there are height restrictions, long lines, obnoxiously large turkey legs (I'll get to my feeling on these nasty hunks of meat shortly), too many gifts shops and characters that may scar your kids for weeks.  So let's tackle these items one-by-one.

The rides.

My 2 1/2 year old has just gotten to the point of sort of liking rides.  He wants to ride everything until he's on it, then he wants off.  However, some of the rides he actually does love and like watching Curious George, you will ride these rides ALOT.  For us it was the Astro Orbiter.  Our son loved it.  We rode it about 10 times between myself and my wife, and though this would normally irritate me, just watching my son get into it every time was hysterical to watch.  But as much fun as rides are, they come with lines.  And in case you don't know, 20 minutes is a short line.  Apparently, 2 1/2 year olds don't understand lines because my son will try to drag me past everyone in front of us.  I explain to him that we have to wait like everyone else, but 2 minutes will pass and he is trying to pull me again.  You have to love their tenacity.  At this point you need to rely on the almighty parental tool, distraction.  Distraction is the first weapon of parenting I was taught and I use the hell out of it.  If you haven't learned to use this tool effectively, I feel bad for you.  You are the AOL of parenting.

The Characters (if visiting a theme park, or I guess anywhere as there are some damn scary people walking the street of any town USA).

My son was ecstatic to meet Mickey Mouse.  He watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse every morning like he's watching it for the first time.  He knows the whole cast.  We even bought the Main Street USA Mickey Mouse train for the Christmas tree this year.  Needless to say, he loved it.  We thought about doing the character breakfast, but we knew better than to have him surrounded by several monstrous, crazy characters before he'd even had some orange juice.  Pure recipe for disaster, and we like to think of ourselves as good parents.  So we read that Mickey would be in Toon Town for photographs and it sounded great.  Once we got to Mickey's house, our son started to get a little apprehensive.  And like good parents we thought that walking through the intricately decorated house (as if Mickey were to actually live there) that he would warm up and get into the idea.  To our surprise, he actually did...kind of.  He went from holding on tightly to talking about the surroundings and pictures of other characters in the house.  Then we reached the door to pictures with Mickey.  We walked in and as soon as our son laid eyes on Mickey the drama began.  Screams of "NO, NO, NO!  Me no like Mickey!" began while he kept trying to climb over my shoulder.  We tried the tricks of distraction...no luck.  We tried bribery (another of my favorites of parenting tools)...no go.  Then we thought maybe we just switch his position on me to the outside and away from Mickey and still he was not having it.  So Mrs Griswold Wanna-Be had her photo taken with Mickey.  (One side note, if you go to Disney and give them your camera to take a picture of you with one of the characters be aware that they will take terrible pictures to make you buy theirs, so make them take it until it's right.  This was the silver lining in the entire event because even if we had calmed our son down the picture would have been all for not).  Characters are cool from a distance or better yet on TV.  If you're visiting a city, I don't suggest taking photos with "characters" you meet on the street.  Just sayin'.

The food.

I don't care if you are taking your kids to the Louvre or to Sesame Place.  Unless you're vegetarian, and your kids are vegetarian, you're going to be eating crap - part of the joy of vacation for you and your kids.  If you're visiting a city, don't think that you have avoided the candy cries.  There are street vendors everywhere with junk food, just waving your kids in like a Ground Marshall on the USS Ronald Reagan.  Pick and choose when kids get theirs "treats" - we settle for dessert with dinner.  But at lunchtime you don't need to feed them pizza, soda and chips.  And you sure as hell don't need to be eating the overly large turkey leg (for you theme park goers).  I'm going to go on a little tangent here.  That turkey leg is the dumbest thing theme parks have come up with.  In case you haven't seen it, it is about 9 inches long and about 4-5 inches in diameter.  No one.  I repeat, no one needs to be putting that in their face.  If you're fat it makes you look fatter.  If you're skinny it makes it appear as if you are eating a human leg.  If you are fit, then you just look like an *sshole.  I love meat just as much as any other carnivore out there, but to have grease dripping from my chin while holding a club of meat that looks more like Bam-Bams bat (see Flintstones) is where I draw the line.  I'd rather eat a stalk of broccoli.  And now I digress.  Just know that whatever you stick in your kids during lunch and through to dinner may get churned up.  There is a lot of running around, a lot of rides (particularly twirly ones) and their energy level is at 120% all day long.  The system will need to purge and as we all know there are only two ways it can go.

For our 2 1/2 year old it was out the top.  We had a long day in the park and rode the Astro Orbiter too many times.  He seemed fine when we put him to bed, but that didn't last too long.  At about 12:30 AM I heard him wake up and make some burping noises.  I didn't think much of it and told him to go back to sleep.  He did.  I then heard him sit up in bed again about an hour and a half later, burping and told him to go back to bed.  He shuffled around a bit but went back down.  Then about 30 minutes later I woke up to the smell of beans and tortillas and not the fresh kind.  It suddenly dawned on me what my son had been "burping".  I turned on the lights and the poor little guy was sleeping in his own vomit.  The shuffling I had heard was him trying to find a place without puke to lay back down in.  I picked him up and ran him to the bathroom - a little late for that - and told him to throw up in the toilet.  He made a sort of spitting noise, looked at me and said "me all done."  Then I noticed his hair was matted in refried beans as were his pajamas.  It's was time for a 3 AM bath.  Now that we had a clean boy it was time to go back to bed, only problem is that the room wreaked of pre-digested refried beans and tortillas.  So I let him sleep in my bed and we tried to tough it out.  20 minutes later he threw up on me- toughing it out was over.  Aside from moving into Mrs Griswold Wanna-Be and our 5 month old's room next door (who were both none the wiser of this entire event) there was nothing to do but call the front desk.

One big note when traveling, especially with kids, is to take care of your hotel staff.  Tip them well.

I can't stress that enough.  They may not do much for you besides make your beds and leave you with some fresh towels, but if you need them in the middle of the night it's nice to know they are there.  We had 2 maintenance guys come in and change the sheets on mine and my sons bed at 4 AM.  When I asked how often they had to do this they said "You'd be surprised.  Usually once a night."  While I felt terrible for them, I felt better for me.  I wasn't in this alone.  Needless to say with the throwing up, the baths and the guys coming in to change our beds, my son was wide awake.  I convinced him to go back to bed for about an hour but then our 5 month old woke up and that was that.  But we wouldn't be eating Mexican food the next day.

The only similarity of family vacations and bachelor(ette) parties is that once over, you need a vacation from the vacation yet you still need to get home.  Like climbing a mountain, getting up is only half the battle.  Luckily for us, the kids were exhausted and mostly slept for the drive home.  But if you're flying, good luck.  You're kids are used to all the excitement of the vacation - the flight will be boring, they will not sleep, they will need entertaining and you will be exhausted.  This is the moment your mother will relish.  Yes, your mother.  This is the moment she has been telling you about since you had your own kids.  The old "I can't wait until you have kids of your own, then you'll see".  And this is when that moment truly comes to fruition, and somewhere your mom is smiling.  Thanks mom, glad to be here.

*Matthew Wilder, "Break My Stride" (1983)

Family Vacations: A Behind The Screams Guide - Part 1: Getting There

The other day some friends of ours told us they were headed to Sonoma.  I looked at Mrs. Griswold Wanna-Be and asked: "Remember when we used to take vacations"?  It's true, I swear it.  Unabashed, authentic, you-wish-you-were-me vacations.  See, once upon a time Mr and Mrs Griswold Wanna-Be knew how to get away from it all and let loose -I mean really let loose.

Real vacations where we stayed at a centrally located, modern (often boutiquey) hotel.  Where we hit up a new bar and restaurant for breakfast, lunch and dinner - no pub at breakfast but margaritas were certainly the new orange juice.  Where we had to pack clothes for nights out on the town.  Where we went out late and slept in late.  And when those factors weren't key, then we went for remote locations - nothing to do but relax, relax, drink and relax (and maybe drink some more).

Then we got cute and made a family.

First and foremost when traveling with kids you have to think about the duration of the flight.  Not just the total time from point A to point WallyWorld, but the in between times - the dreaded layover.  While a short one means you have to hustle with your tike(s) in tow or attached to your chest (usually screaming that they want some ice cream from the Baskin Robbins you just past - damn you! airport ice cream) and could miss your connecting flight.  A long layover and you eat that ice cream, buy that toy, eat those chips, play those games and after that 30 minutes is over you still have 2 hours to fill before the second leg of your trip begins.  Did I hear someone say "Pony up for the non-stop flight then, you cheap-ass"?  Yes you get the trip done in one fell swoop, but there is the tiny issue of all that time on the plane.  Have fun with that.  It's like feeding a starving lion lemon slices.  And trust me, if the kids are good on the way out - beware the way back.

As much as you bring on the flight for your kids entertainment, they will get bored in 5 minutes.  Or like my older son, he'll just tell you everything he doesn't want to do...like be on a plane right now.  Our friends at the FAA still don't allow you to use your electronics during take-off and landing.  This means no iPhone, iPad or DVD player.  Take off and landing combined is about 30-40 minutes.  Luckily for us, our 2 1/2 year old likes to look at the emergency pamphlet and menu for a good period during take-off and then getting him to look out the window during landing get us through those times, usually.  However, when he doesn't and he's flipping out, I just let him watch the iPhone videos and when the flight attendants are on electronics patrol I just hide it.  My wife gives me looks like I am making a decision that could affect the lives of everyone on the plane, and though I highly doubt that, at least you have your scapegoat if you and I are ever on a plane together and something goes drastically wrong during take off or landing.

So now you've made it to your destination.  You still have to get your luggage, which is no longer just a bag to split between you and your significant other.  You have a bag for yourself/kid A, a bag for your wife/kid B, some sort of sleeping items (a pea pod tent, a bassinet, pack'n'play etc.), two car seats, a stroller, three or four carry on bags (got to have the almighty diaper bag, a backpack for your crap and doodads for the kids, wife's purse and maybe another bag of doodads...kids need a lot of doodads).

Now that you are in costume as a Himalayan sherpa with 6 bags and 2 car seats attached to you (probably weighing at least 150 pounds), it's time to find a taxi or rental car.  Your kids are exhausted and whiney, and if you're like me then you have at some point during the flight argued about some mundane topic dealing with traveling with your kids with your wife, and now the two of you are not on speaking terms.  It's all grunts and head jerks to get your point across that either the taxis are this way or the bus to the rental car lot is that way.  Whichever route you went, you are now headed to your hotel - promised land you say?  Rookie.

It's likely not a glamorous hotel, and you never even looked up whether there was a bar or not.  It's probably not central, and very likely not downtown.  But it probably has a pool that you won't swim in (depending on the time of year you go and where you go), it's likely close to whatever theme park you are venturing to this year and it probably has a buffet - so essentially like your bachelor party in Vegas...oh wait, it's nothing like that at all.  Now, time to unpack and set up.

At home when putting things together I like to enjoy a beer.  I guess that's a guy thing.  So you check for a mini-bar.  This room has to have a mini-bar, right?  No self-respecting hotel that services families would not have a mini-bar.  Do they know what we have gone through to get to this point?  The answer is yes, they know what you've been through.  But sadly there is little chance for a mini-bar...hope you stopped off for a six-pack.  If not, this is a great time to catch a breath and go for a walk and find beer.  The hotel will likely have some for sale in the 'oh sh*t, I forgot to bring (fill in the blank)" store.  The selection will consist of glorified horse piss at best (Bud, Bud Light, Michelob Ultra, Heineken etc. - yes I'm a beer snob too, if you knew what was good for you, you would be also).  Now that you have your $25 six pack of *ss drool, it's time to get back to the room.  Though you and the wife may not be talking, you don't want to make matters worse and disappear for too long.  And besides it's probably late, the kids need to go to bed and you're going to need some rest too.

Tomorrow is going to be a whole other basket of fun as your kids inevitably get into vacation mode which includes sugar highs and sugar lows, the ol'I want-I want-I wants coupled with the ol'I don't want-I don't want-I don't wants, hellish nap schedules and so many long lines (assuming you went the theme park route) that it will make the Chinese iPhone release look like a Ron Paul vote tally.  Be sure to charge your camera battery, because there are going to be plenty of good times - honestly, though you might just need help remembering them.

Stay tuned for Part 2: Too Much Fun Makes the Kids Throw Up.