Cruising For A Bruising

Whoever said "payback is a bitch", never had to discipline a child.  Sure there are bad things such as when your kids are sick, when they're sad or when they get hurt.  But disciplining eats those other things for breakfast.  When your kids are sick, you feel for them and want nothing more than to be able to take their sickness from them and give it to yourself so that they don't have to deal with it.  When they're sad, all you want to do is comfort them and somehow make them laugh.  When they get hurt, you are willing to put your lips to a bloody knee and make it feel better.  Ice cream is always a great equalizer and never use hand sanitizer to clean a wound.  Unfortunately you can't provide rewards, comfort or try to make your kids smile when they've done something bad and that in a nutshell is what makes it a miserable undertaking.

There are three main problems when it comes to discipline:  determining what actions to discipline, being consistent in your approach and finding a punishment that dissuades the bad behavior permanently.  

If you don't have kids, let me save you the suspense, they do a lot of bad shit.  The good news is that it takes about two and half years for that stuff to start.  I know what you're thinking, the terrible twos.  Well...yes and no.  The Big Guy hasn't been that bad during his life's sophomore year, certainly nothing I would label as "terrible".  Around December of last year he started showing signs of turning the forbidden corner.  It wasn't crazy, outlandish attacks that would make Henry Evans blush, it really just started out as an incessant whine (which I wrote about here) mixed with stubborn "no's".  However it grew into something a bit more than that relatively quickly.  Within just a few months, the Big Guy started laying on top of the Little Man.  We're not just talking his head...this was his whole body.  And just to put it in more visual perspective, the Big Guy weighs 33 lbs, while the Little Man at the time was probably about 18 lbs (now a hefty 21 lbs.).  From there, we experienced our first push, nothing intentionally violent but clearly testing the waters.  And then finally, the coup de grace, the first punch.  This brings me to our first point, determining what actions to discipline.  

Your kids will do things that need correction.  You need to decide what those things are, as it is different for each parent.  What type of parent are you?  I think more often than not, the kids determine the parenting style.  It's all fine and good to sit down with your spouse and talk this stuff out before your kids get here (as our useless prenatal class instructed us to do...talk about a waste of time), but until it's real, until you are smack dab in the middle of it...you're talking out of your ass.  Once you have figured out what actions need to have repercussions then you can decide how consistent you are going to be.

This portion of the problem is simple.  If you are not consistent, your kids will rule your world, the world around you will hate you and the eyes people are giving you...yep, they are definitely judging you.  Setting an imaginary, movable boundary with your children is like staging a Biggest Loser competition in a Krispy Kreme factory.  Your kids thrive on boundaries, real ones where they know what happens if they cross the line.  Move the line once and you have created confusion.  The Mrs and I get into these debates (to put it nicely) all of the time.  She doesn't like playing the bad guy or inconveniencing herself or the kids to keep discipline consistent.  Guess what?  Neither do I.  But I know that if we are at the grocery store and the Big Guy blows into a full tantrum or hits me, that taking him home that instant is the best thing I can do for all involved.  Yes, the shopping cart if left full and yes, I have to come back and do the grocery shopping all over again.  Which brings us to the final countdown, the punishment.

We have gone through a myriad of punishments with the Big Guy and what I have learned with him is that extended time outs and simply time are the answer to curbing bad behavior.  We tried taking away toys, videos, treats, special day trips we had planned (Sea World, museums, zoo etc) and nothing worked.  As soon as time outs were involved, I started to see an understanding from him.  After I have put him in time out and given him time to think (it has been as short as 2 minutes and as long as an hour) he is then asked to explain what he did wrong and then right that wrong (which usually means he has to apologize...usually to his little brother).  If he chooses to not right the wrong then the time out continues.  I am also not a nice guy during this time.  Time out means just that, so no toys, no talking...just good ol'fashioned sitting and thinking.  Once he rights the wrong, however, we can hug it out.

Now, I am a fairly strict parent by my own view.  I see a lot of other parents let their kids get away with things that I typically frown upon.  These are the dreaded kids-will-be-kids type of parents...to each their own, I guess.  But if your kid pushes, throws something at or punches my kid for no reason, don't expect me to have that same tree hugger approach to him or to you...yes, I will parent your child if you make me.  Too many parents today want to be their kids friends first.  They want to do away with the word "no".  They want there children to be confident.  They want to level the playing field.  Newsflash:  you were a parent before you became friends, "no" is one of the best words your children can learn, confident kids are bratty kids and the playing field won't be level until your kids have kids.  Being the bad guy isn't so bad.  So settle in for the ride and in about 20 years the two of you can have a few laughs about all of this over a few beers.       

You'll Miss These Days...I Doubt It

My boys are everything to me.  Literally everything.  When they're happy, I'm happy.  When they're upset, I'm upset.  Generally speaking, I love spending 9-12 hours a day with them...except when I don't.  I'm not ashamed to to say it.  My kids sometimes irritate me like alcohol on a chaffed crotch.  And like a chaffed crotch, you sometimes simply can't get away from it.  Sure you can lie down, take a shower, apply some Triple Bond but in the end you can't escape chaffed crotch and you can't escape your kids (this may be the only time that the words "crotch" and "kids" appear in a sentence together without Chris Hansen waiting in the wings).  My mom always had a phrase that never hit me as a kid, but as a parent it has truly resonated with me: "I may not always like you, but I will always love you".  And whether you have the cajones to admit it out loud or not, you know it's true.

Since becoming a parent 2 1/2 years ago, I have noticed how crazy some parents can get when it comes to talking sh*t about their kids.  Like some cultural taboo or something, some parents just won't do it even as Junior is standing there punching them in the thigh with all the fury they can muster - it's just all smiles and sunshine to them.  When you share stories of your own kids shortcomings: whining, stupid fears, contrary disposition etc. these parents are always the first to say: "Well, they're just going through a stage.  You'll miss these days".  The hell I will.

For the first 4 months of my youngest son's life (he's almost 6 months now), I was open with just about anyone who asked that dumb question: "Aren't babies the best?  I just love them at that age".  No, as a matter of fact babies are not the best.  I can't stand them at this age".  I told my Mrs Griswold Wanna-Be multiple times how much I disliked my younger son.  She was always hurt by it, but it was true.  Then she would intermittently ask me: "Do you like him now?"  And of course I would say: "No".  I told her that I loved him and if he needed my heart to live I would rip it out of my chest for him without a second thought, but that's love.  Completely different.  I'm talking about liking, as in getting enjoyment from being around him, sharing memorable moments, looking forward to seeing and spending time with him.  These were not things I did with my younger son, until about a month and a half ago.  I was all too happy to hand him off to my wife as quickly as possible and whenever possible.  He was fussy, didn't sleep and all-in-all was a completely inconsolable baby.  We think that he may have had some gastrointestinal issues, which he has since appeared to work out, but excuses or no excuses - he was a d-bag.  Around 5 months, I bought into him.  He smiled when he saw me.  He took decent naps.  He made adorable sounds.  Yet I know that when he's around 2, I'll like him even more.

What it boils down to is that I don't really care for the infant stage.  The inability to do anything for themselves is in no way endearing to me.  The 18 diaper changes a day, the sleepless nights, the fact that only Mrs Griswold Wanna-Be could satisfy his hunger (no, I don't have boob envy - I was happy to feed him pumped breast milk, but could only do so when it was available), the 100% dependance on you and the 20 minute cat naps.  What is there to like about this?  Though my 2 1/2 year old whines all the time and is terrified of the most ridiculous things (birds, doctors, taking medicine, and guy friends of ours that are taller than me) I thoroughly enjoy my time with him more than with my 5 month old.  He can express himself pretty well, he has a goofball personality, he is reaching the age where he can be reasoned with and he has a similar love for Legos like me.  Sure, he makes me want to put my head through a wall sometimes but so does my wife...for that matter so do I.

Then as for these people that come up to us in the store, at my son's preschool or wherever else I may be with one in hand and the other Ergo'd/Baby Bjorn'd and tell me how precious my kids are - especially my younger son and how he's at the best age.  These people are idiots and probably liars - but mostly idiots.  I'm busy looking forward to when my kids can entertain each other, wrestle around, tell me about their days.  My 2 1/2 year old is nearly there in all of these departments and I love it.  But I know my 5 month old is still at least 16 months from even touching on these items (as I sound a deep inhale and deep exaggerated exhale).  I'm over being thrown up on 5 times a day, I really am.  My shoulders wreak of nearly digested formula and there's always dried snot all over my pants and sleeves at the end of each day.  I'm a walking petri dish for every cold virus that ever dripped out of a kid's nose.  I'm lucky to get to spend the time that I do with my kids as a stay-at-home Dad, but don't tell me I'm living the dream, because if this is what you dream about then you have some issues.

At the end of the day, I know that these proverbial bumps in the road are just stages.  My kids will go through hundreds of them on their way to adulthood and while I know I'll enjoy some of these stages, the others I may loathe and I'm all to happy to admit it.  These happy, go-lucky, no sh*t talking, enjoy these days type of parents are questionable characters at best.  The type of people I would unfriend from my Facebook contacts, yeah that's right, it's like that.  See, what I think resonated with me so much about my mom's phrase "I may not always like you, but I'll always love you" is that it was real and it was brutally honest.  I like to think that this was the major trait I took from my mom and I'm proud of it, I won't lie to your face to save your feelings and I hope my kids get that from me.  If I'm being an asshole, I want them to call me on it.  However, if they actually call me that, though secretly I'll be proud of them, they'll be grounded for a week.

Whining? Can't Have It. Not On This Team.

My whole life I have been saying that when I had kids of my own I wasn't going to say the things my parents said to me: "eat all of your (fill in the blank) or no dessert, not under my roof, do I need to tell Santa, etc". Alas, I am a father of two boys (2 1/2 and 5 months) and if I am not saying the things my folks said to me then what is coming out of my pie hole is certainly no less ridiculous.  Undoubtedly, my three year old self would happily toss a Spiderman motorcycle toy at my head for the father that I have become.  But as a parent sometimes you just have to do what works (or rather what shut's your kids up).  Because your kids will drive you nuts and you will need to minimize it both for a happy home life and a healthy you.  And I don't mean they'll drive you "nuts" like it's rush hour and some schmuck just cut you off sort of "nuts", I mean someone just spit in your mother's face, crapped in your food, kicked your dog and kissed your wife sort of "nuts".  I'm not kidding.  This shit is real.  What drives parents this level of crazy is different for each person, for some it is the Captain Contrary/Negative Nancy phase, for others it may be not following the simple rules.  For me it is whining.

I can't tell you where my son learned it from.  I don't whine.  My wife does't whine.  The dogs whine, but that's different.  It's as if it is just some sort of diabolical manifestation.  Sure, some professionals will tell you that it is the child learning to express themselves and that apparently negativity is the first thing they learn.  Fantastic.  You newbies are surely saying to yourselves "but what could a 2 1/2 year old have to really whine about besides wanting toys or not wanting to eat his/her vegetables"?  And the answer to that is EVERYTHING.  Absolutely, positively anything.

My son will tell me he's all done eating his dinner and I tell him it's time for a bath.  He then tells me he's not all done with his dinner and that he doesn't like baths.  He'll tell me he wants to go play with his kitchen in his room, but when I tell him that he needs to clean up his Legos before we go and play something new he tells me he doesn't want to go to play with his kitchen.  And he never does this nonchalantly.  Oh no.  A whine is nothing if not all in the delivery.  His is characterized by a sort of mid-pitched, head tucked to his chin and arms crossed while slightly swinging side-to-side (if he's in his high chair, he usually turns his head completely away from me) followed by "me no want to (fill in the blank)" with a heavy emphasis on the word "want" and always mixed in is the fake cry.

And it is in that faked cry that the intolerable whine is produced.  I usually try to reason with him, not happening, at least not yet.  So he whines again.  I try to dissuade him from pushing this too far by assertively telling him to cut it out.  He ignores me and whines again.   Here is where my skin begins to crawl and my level of patience, understanding and most of all calmness goes out the window and I become my mother.  My face hardens up.  My finger wags in his face.  And I tell him between clenched teeth "I don't care what you want.  I told you to (fill in the blank) and that's what you'll do".  Believe it or not, he gets me.  Or at the very least he's just scared enough to not make another go of it.  And there in lies the trick newbies: a healthy dose of fear in your kids is to a happy household as the play action pass is in football - it keeps them honest.

Your kids are smarter and wilier than you know.  They are learning what buttons to press to open or slam your proverbial doors everyday.  You have to stay on your toes, but more importantly you need to keep them on theirs.  The first time you make that horrible, hard, ugly face and let them know that this is your ship and not theirs - if you do it right it will be like in Monsters Inc. when Sulley unintentionally scares the shit out of Boo when he roars for the practice dummy.  The realization that this dude is crazy and I don't want any part of that; you'll see it in their eyes, trust me.  And sure, you'll feel terrible for it, but it's a necessary personal health safety precaution.  Because your kids are going to get older and from what I hear it is going to get even more challenging.  You're going to need to keep that blood pressure low and that heart healthy if you want to live to see those days.

Let's be honest, we take hordes of pictures and videos of our kids over the years for two reasons.  One, we want to remember these moments because though the days are long the years are short.  Two, your kids will have girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives and most importantly kids of their own and what better way to get back for all those days you were sure you were three beats from a heart attack or an emotional/mental collapse than to show some of the more embarrassing footage of them when they were kids.  I know I am keeping my collection well stocked.